after countless (quite literally over hundreds) of applications. rejections and never hear froms, i’m starting to think i need to take a different route.
i read a yahoo article yesterday about how graduates aren’t getting jobs. how going to school and getting a four year degree isn’t going to guarantee that you get a better job in comparison to if you didn’t go to school. so what’s the alternative? continue your education.
a master’s degree has always been in my grand plan. but a lot of factors have hindered me. the scary personal statement. that dreaded gre. lack of solid recommendation letters. i get stressed now just thinking about it. but i have it do it. i’m so anxious, but it seems as though plan A isn’t working… so we’re off to plan B. you know, if i can get passed all the anxiety and just do it.
i have a list of 18 schools right now. researching graduate schools is a lot harder than i thought. the big schools are out there, owning those Google searches. but i need the smaller options too. i need as many options as possible.
i haven’t been sleeping very well lately. dreams make me restless. they cause me to wake up in the middle of the night and question my reality. they make waking up weird for me. i don’t feel myself. i don’t feel as relieved as i should after sleeping.
i’m dreading my twenty-fifth birthday. every birthday after twenty-one has felt like a ticking time bomb. i constantly feel like i’m running out of time. i’m not where i thought it would be. and i feel all the time that i need to be much further. i’m falling behind.
i don’t feel as connected to people in my life as i used to. which for the most part, doesn’t bother me that much. there are moments when human nature can be a SOB and makes me long endlessly for that connectivity. for the best friends. for that kind of connection i used to have when i was in high school. i don’t miss anything about high school except for the friendships i had. i’m not even sure i miss the people. just the friendships.
unfulfilled and scared. unfortunate combination.