i haven’t been able to write for months. not really. and perhaps because i have out used the other journal. maybe it holds too much of a past that i just needed to put away.
we hold on so tightly to our past, because we need to know that what felt was real. i can’t forget how something once made me feel, because a lot of the time, it’s all i have left from those moments. whether it be a feeling of happiness or pure sadness. no matter the talk about how much i want to forget them… i can’t seem to let them go.
i dreamt about him last night. it’s been a long time. i wonder if he ever dreams of me… and if he does, what he sees. i wonder if he ever feels regret or shame for what he did to me… or if he still feels that he was in the right. that what he did to me was okay. i wonder if he knows that he broke me. and that no one should ever to have to endure the hell he put me through.
some say that you should forgive, but never forget. i’ve tried. i will never forgive him. but i do wish everyday to forget. and then a part of me thinks, if i forget, will i forget the way he treated me? will that suddenly make it okay? will i have forgiven a man who does not deserve forgiveness? they all go hand in hand.
companionship. we all need it. we’re built that way. we need each other. human nature is a funny thing. i feel a bit of shame when i yearn for it. when i get caught up in the mess of needing another person. i don’t want to need anyone. i just want to escape to skyscrapers and city lights and lose myself. i want that to be enough. i don’t want to need another human being in order to feel whole. in order to fell less empty or any more fulfilled.
i want my dreams to do that for me. my goals. my career. my lifestyle. i want tangible things to make me feel complete. not some wishy washy idea that something as mysterious as love can do all those things. that only another human being is able to bring me that kind of fulfillment.
disconnected. longing. apathetic. needy. what a contradiction.