bang bang.
Now he’s gone, I don’t know why
And till this day, sometimes I cry
He didn’t even say goodbye
He didn’t take the time to lie.
Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down…
I don’t think there’s a better song to describe my relationship with W. I haven’t given much thought in a while. And this song came on and the anger I had been carrying slowly disseminated into pain.
He shot me down. And disappeared. Without word.
He didn’t even say goodbye. He didn’t take the time to lie. Bang bang, that awful sound. Bang bang, my baby shot me down.
There’s nothing past this.
It went on for 11 months. I tried to end it once but regressed. The second time, I walked away and never looked back. It’s almost been a year now. And we both went on to find bigger and better things. It was the best decision I ever made. A true testament to my independence and my self worth. But I am still human and the thoughts still lingers. I can’t help be feel that I wasn’t good enough. He’s given her everything he could never give to me and more. I replay it over and over again. I can’t shake the feeling.
I think the most difficult thing about situations like this is that I don’t want anything to change. I wouldn’t change anything. We are incompatible. I have no desire to be a part of his life. Everything has a time and place. It happened, it didn’t work, it ended, and we both found better relationships because of it. But it still stings. A self confidence shaker. The why her and why not me and the what was wrong with me. Questions that have no real answer that can bring any comfort or healing.
There’s no real meaning or purpose for this post. I just had to get the emotion out. It’s been eating me up.
four
“Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you’re really strangers.” — Mary Tyler Moore
I started off by writing, “it’s painful” because it’s become a course of habit. but i decided to delete it, because it’s not painful. in fact it was almost expected. it wasn’t as though i hadn’t seen something like that before. but i hadn’t expect it to come from him. my theory holds test and true, don’t trust anyone. not even those closest to you. people have a tendency to turn. nothing last forever.
it’s the same old things i’ve been telling myself for years, but at a bit of disbelief that i haven’t been able to really come to terms with it until now. life lessons teach you. make you. love breaks you.
i’m not quite sure on my course of action. i haven’t decided yet. i’m not sure how it makes me feel. all i know is that it has created distance. it sets me apart from him. i feel as though a great wall has formed and i have no real desire to stop it. i know what the burn feels like and i don’t want to participate. i can’t win. it will always be her. given the choice he would never pick me. and even if he did, he would resent me for it. everyday of his life.
sometimes people grow apart. and perhaps that’s what we need too.
three.
hello reality. thanks for the slap in the face.
i’ve been losing touch with reality. and yesterday i got bitch slapped. and as painful as it was, i really needed it. i broke down. i cried. out of frustration. out fear. everyday i’m losing more time and i feel hopeless. i need to wake up and live. i need to get serious and do those things i always planned on doing, RIGHT NOW and not later. i’m not getting younger and time isn’t slowing down.
my plan has never been part of anything comfortable. but i started to draw myself into the idea of being comfortable and lost track. it was never part of my grand plan to end up in texas. it crossed my mind, but i’m not sure if it’s something i really want. i would be doing it for him. i would be doing it because it feels safe and comfortable. and that could easily turn on me someday.
i need do this on my own. i’ve been relying too much on other things and people, when this is a strictly a me thing. i need to keep driving. i need to keep moving. i can’t stop. if i ever stop, i’ll get comfortable and then i’ll get stuck. i don’t want to be stuck anymore.
don’t you dare give up.
two.
after countless (quite literally over hundreds) of applications. rejections and never hear froms, i’m starting to think i need to take a different route.
i read a yahoo article yesterday about how graduates aren’t getting jobs. how going to school and getting a four year degree isn’t going to guarantee that you get a better job in comparison to if you didn’t go to school. so what’s the alternative? continue your education.
a master’s degree has always been in my grand plan. but a lot of factors have hindered me. the scary personal statement. that dreaded gre. lack of solid recommendation letters. i get stressed now just thinking about it. but i have it do it. i’m so anxious, but it seems as though plan A isn’t working… so we’re off to plan B. you know, if i can get passed all the anxiety and just do it.
i have a list of 18 schools right now. researching graduate schools is a lot harder than i thought. the big schools are out there, owning those Google searches. but i need the smaller options too. i need as many options as possible.
—-
i haven’t been sleeping very well lately. dreams make me restless. they cause me to wake up in the middle of the night and question my reality. they make waking up weird for me. i don’t feel myself. i don’t feel as relieved as i should after sleeping.
—
i’m dreading my twenty-fifth birthday. every birthday after twenty-one has felt like a ticking time bomb. i constantly feel like i’m running out of time. i’m not where i thought it would be. and i feel all the time that i need to be much further. i’m falling behind.
—
i don’t feel as connected to people in my life as i used to. which for the most part, doesn’t bother me that much. there are moments when human nature can be a SOB and makes me long endlessly for that connectivity. for the best friends. for that kind of connection i used to have when i was in high school. i don’t miss anything about high school except for the friendships i had. i’m not even sure i miss the people. just the friendships.
—
unfulfilled and scared. unfortunate combination.
one.
i haven’t been able to write for months. not really. and perhaps because i have out used the other journal. maybe it holds too much of a past that i just needed to put away.
we hold on so tightly to our past, because we need to know that what felt was real. i can’t forget how something once made me feel, because a lot of the time, it’s all i have left from those moments. whether it be a feeling of happiness or pure sadness. no matter the talk about how much i want to forget them… i can’t seem to let them go.
—-
i dreamt about him last night. it’s been a long time. i wonder if he ever dreams of me… and if he does, what he sees. i wonder if he ever feels regret or shame for what he did to me… or if he still feels that he was in the right. that what he did to me was okay. i wonder if he knows that he broke me. and that no one should ever to have to endure the hell he put me through.
some say that you should forgive, but never forget. i’ve tried. i will never forgive him. but i do wish everyday to forget. and then a part of me thinks, if i forget, will i forget the way he treated me? will that suddenly make it okay? will i have forgiven a man who does not deserve forgiveness? they all go hand in hand.
—-
companionship. we all need it. we’re built that way. we need each other. human nature is a funny thing. i feel a bit of shame when i yearn for it. when i get caught up in the mess of needing another person. i don’t want to need anyone. i just want to escape to skyscrapers and city lights and lose myself. i want that to be enough. i don’t want to need another human being in order to feel whole. in order to fell less empty or any more fulfilled.
i want my dreams to do that for me. my goals. my career. my lifestyle. i want tangible things to make me feel complete. not some wishy washy idea that something as mysterious as love can do all those things. that only another human being is able to bring me that kind of fulfillment.
—-
disconnected. longing. apathetic. needy. what a contradiction.
